"It is true that in relationship we join with others in a common life, but it is a misconception that in relationship we cease to be individuals.
The common life has its own structure, which distinguishes it from the order of individual life, but that common life is authentic and vigorous, only when it is fashioned after the rhythms of individual life.
A relationship is a transpersonal reference point, a “We” with which a host of “I’s” can identify. For that “We” to be dynamic and useful, it must incorporate the values and customs of its constituents. There are aspects of the human condition that can be realized only in association with others, and relationships enable us to actualize those potentialities that cannot be pressed out in isolation. In short, individuals are individuated in relationship.
The constituent finds completion in association with the whole, but not in the sense that they find parts missing in themselves; rather, in association, unique opportunities to express features of individuality are uncovered. In this way, relationship is a vehicle of maturation, but it sufficiently serves this end only when its members are aware of the rhythms of their life, clearly communicate those needs, and these communiques establish the dynamics of the relationship. Thus, healthy relationships are inherently democratic."
~ excerpt from my upcoming book "The Triumph of Principles"
Are you in a loving relationship or what amounts to a hostage situation?
Seven years ago I published an article on Elephant Journal entitled, “Christianity Through My Buddhist Eyes.” The article was an exploration of the Christian faith from a Buddhist point of view. In the post, I reduced the Christian experience down to one basic truth: Love.
I noted that the Christian tradition holds to the idea that God created “the heavens and earth.” In the beginning there was God, and the whole of creation poured fourth from this point. Christianity goes one step further, saying “God is love.” The Bible describes God’s resting place as the temple, and says that man is this temple. The path of returning to the temple is referred to as contemplation (con·templa·tion). So, creation pours forth from God who is love and rests in man:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
We are Sons of God and forgetting this--or becoming distracted--other is original sin.
The article received quite a few comments, but there was a particular comment of interest to me:
“What do you think about romantic love based on what you’ve said about love here? Is it an illusion?”
So often spiritual writings come off as vague and abstract. This is not necessarily a bad thing; they are just addressing a subject on a vague and abstract level. This post will be neither vague nor abstract! It will be a gritty look into the most common manifestation of love, romantic love.
Before we can address romantic love we need to know what we are addressing. Defining love is no small task. There are a few things we can say about it, but we would do well to start with what love ain’t.
A dreadful and violent game with no end. It is the incessant pursuit of something that does not exist. Often times, the recognition and acceptance of its absence is called love…
Far too often we are railroaded by obscene and irrational thoughts.
In the west we speak a lot of aligning our will with God’s will. However, there is a loop hole. In the same breath, we say that no one is capable of knowing God’s will. So our predicament is tricky to say the least.
The premise is, happiness is a side effect of being in line with God’s will, but God’s will remains a vague and enigmatic phenomena, divine information mere mortals are not privileged.
From where I sit, God’s will is simple enough- perhaps, too simple! Let’s say I am with a group of people, and we are all trying to decide what to do this evening. If they wish to know my will, all they have to do is ask, “Hey Ben what would you like to do tonight?”. Then, listen... God is no different.
Now, I don't believe that God is a personality. We are not in some ridiculous relationship with a pre-pubescent teenager! As Thomas Merton said, "Our ideaofGodtells usmore about ourselvesthan about Him." We project our tendency to use non-communicated expectations upon God, reality, or whatever you want to call it. Reality is more straight-forward than that.
Reality doesn’t speak to us using language. As Thomas Keating once said, “God’s first language is silence.” Reality is God’s will, and God is not other than His will. God and reality are one in the same thing. There is no sense of fragmentation or conflict.
Sanity consists of nothing more than thought inspired by the present moment. Far too often we are railroaded by obscene and irrational thoughts. Instead of being inspired by the content of the present moment, these ideas are fear based concoctions with inbred origins.
This is insanity. Thought is inbred when it serves as its own inspiration. An emotionally charged thought arises, and then the obsessive process of thinking about that thought begins. Far from being inspired by the present moment, this thought is twice removed from reality. These thoughts are the voice of fear, a voice from the past. It is not that this thought, or any thought for that matter, has to be vanquished. Testing these thoughts against the grain of reality is a necessary measure in the healing process. The restoration of sanity is dependent upon challenging the blockages or obstacles to the expression of sanity.
These fears are based on deep seated false assumptions. Perhaps we believe that all intimate relationships are doomed to fail, and as a result question whether our significant other is really committed to the relationship. This leads to us constantly starting up “serious’ conversations that seek to provoke confirmation. If we would only listen to the relationship…
Right now. What is the relationship saying right now? Your partner is with you. You are on a date, at home, or on the phone. They are talking to you. Your fear is a thought that pretends it is true in-spite of all the evidence to the contrary. They are literally with you, say they love you, and yet you want to question whether or not this is really true. Or perhaps the opposite is true. Maybe you are in relationship where you keep telling yourself, “H/she really does love me… They just don’t know how to tell me.” Reality suggests that this person is no more committed to this relationship than they are of eradicating the planet of left handed gloves, but we are willing to put ourselves through pure hell because, we want to identify with a second generation thought.
There is no need to church up spirituality. God’s will is neither vague nor nebulous. It is right here-right now! Every second of every day we have an opportunity to wake up. Complete and total enlightenment is always a possibility because testing the assumptions that prevent us from waking is always an option. We always have the option to listen. We can pause and listen. Is this thought true? Does reality confirm this fear? From this point of view there is no such thing as a problem. Either the fear is little more than inbred hearsay, or it is true. If it is true, we simply need to align our thoughts with reality. We need not bother ourselves with wishful thinking. When our thoughts are inspired by the content of the present moment sanity prevails, and true happiness is a side effect of sanity.
What we like to conveniently label as obstacles are actually life situations that are inviting us to awaken. True meditation is just as possible in the car with your wife or husband, as it is on a cushion. The real question is whether or not we are willing to take the leap. Taking that leap is terrifying. It is terrifying because it means stepping through fear; being willing to open up and expose these fears to the light of day.
Are we willing to deconstruct the handrails the ego has installed? Are we willing to live in a world that is not child-proofed by fear? Are we willing to lay our self-image aside and see once and for touch the present moment? Or do we prefer to suffer the pains of continuing to nap?
Here is a video interview of Jiddu Krishnamurti talking about the origins of fear. Enjoy!
said, 
once said, “God’s first language is silence.” Reality is God’s will, and God is not other than His will. God and reality are one in the same thing. There is no sense of fragmentation or conflict. 