If we allow our sense of self to touch the ground, the metric system that establishes suffering will dissolve into space...
I have started a new job, but haven't quit the old one. I just moved in with my girlfriend. Things have just been different. Not bad, but different, and different can sometimes be received with a type of pessimistic skepticism.
I have noticed that I have been a bit more guarded as I move into these uncharted waters. I think this has been a bit difficult for me because, I have developed an inflated image of myself, and this image makes no allowances for fear and/or uncertainty, which is ashame sense certainty is impossible to come by!
Instead of allowing this image to become a motion picture with no beginning or end, I cling to the static image. I refuse to allow my self image to undergo revision- to allow the new information from this uncharted territory to shape my experience. Instead, I cling to this image by remaining conscious of it or obsessed with it- self-conscious. This is accomplished by blaming my predicament on circumstance...
I want to say that it is my girlfriend's uncompromising behavior... I want to say I am stretched to thin by work and moving... I want to say that the problem has to do with anything other than me!
Truth is, the way I feel is the result of me ignoring space. I haven't the time to read and write not because I am busy. Rather I am busy because I want to create clutter in order to ignore space. I have made controlling this new environment my number one priority, and in doing so forgotten the only real priority I have... Mindfulness.
I assume that I have something to fear because I do not have a conceptual grasp or understanding of this new atmosphere. There is no way to undermine this assumption, apart from listening to my surroundings. I am afraid not of my girlfriend, our new apartment, or my new job. I am afraid of the words that I put in their mouth- my speculation...
As always, the only real problem I face is the fact that I am ignoring the very thing that requires my undivided attention- reality! This is not uncharted territory... I have been here many times before. It is the feeling of falling... Realizing that there is no ground to stand on. This is a strange feeling because at first glance this groundlessness is perceived as threatening... This is the ego's interpretation. Without ground to stand on, the ego feels insignificant. Like it has fallen off the planet.
On the other hand, there is a strange infatuation with this sense of falling... Perpetual motion. I believe this infatuation or eternal curiosity is closely connected with the fact that perpetual motion is my nature. In the final analysis, the true self is no-self at all... Life, of which I am but an example, is change without beginning or end.
The only reason "things" appear to be changing is because I create and install static characteristics in these "things." My girlfriend, is in truth no girlfriend at all. She is energy that is forever seeking to express itself in all of the uniqueness that I have come to love. However, when I attempt to control her, by micromanaging the relationship, I ignore the unique manifestation of intelligence that she is... I ignore her, and I do this by clinging to or obsessing over some static expectation about how our relationship should be.
There is release or freedom to be found in letting go... Falling off of the planet. Watching the new job takes its own course. There is joy in getting out of the way and listening to what she has to say, without calculating how what she is saying affects me... Getting out of the way means forgetting myself, which paradoxically means taking time for myself.
The way to nourish our relationships is to invest in our own sense of sanity. To come back to the present moment. In the midst of hard times, I tend to think this is difficult because, I believe that leaving all of my fears and anxiety behind is a prerequisite. Nothing could be further from the truth!
We can bring all of our hang-ups to the cushion... That is the point of the cushion. To sit and see our deception. Not change it or even fix it. Simply see it. Allow it to breathe. When we sit and rest in space, we discover the gap between thoughts. This is mindfulness. This is the practice of meditation. When we allow our fears to breathe, to touch reality, a revolution of consciousness takes place.
The basic assumption, upon which all of our fears and anxieties are constructed, is challenged. In silence all of our preconceived ideas are questioned. We see that life is not some thing apart from us, happening to us... In fact, we remember that we are a dimension of Life.
It is so easy to get caught up in the idea that the problem rests with my girlfriend or job... But it doesn't. Not even a little. The problem rests with the fact that I cling to some expired image of myself. From this point of view, everything seems personal. Change seems as if it is happening to me. This is why our fears seem so intense. Everything seems personal. I think "she" is doing that to "me." I think "work" is stressing "me" out.
If we allow that one thought to breathe the whole network of suffering comes crumbling down. If we allow our sense of self to touch the ground, the metric system that establishes suffering will dissolve into space. It is called space because it isn't cluttered with all of our ideas about things should and shouldn't behave. This space is so whole and so complete that it can accommodate our job or partner as they are... This is Love.
